I talk to God as I put together two tiny socks, and my heart breaks at how much I love those tiny feet. I have prayed for the ones that God has put into my care as I have stood beside my dryer. Each item that is retrieved from it, gives me the visual reminder that my children are getting bigger, that my husband needs new socks, that the worn out knees on my son’s pants mean he is healthy, and I thank God.
I have told God many things by that dryer, and He has spoken very clearly to me through the heaps of clothing. On the days that I grumbled about my never-ending ‘to-do’ list, I would pull a pair of Andy’s jeans out of the dryer and with a humbled heart, I would thank God that Andrew was still here.
The smell of the campfire and bug spray would fill the laundry after we got home from a weekend away, and it never failed, every time that I would be stressing about having so much to do after a long drive home from camping, I’d dump out all the laundry and that smell would crash over me with a wave of gratefulness for wonderful memories made. The sticky remains of marshmallow on shirt sleeves brought a smile to my face…. still does 😉
Folding clothes has always brought the attitude of thankfulness to the forefront in my heart. I see the way that God has provided so abundantly for us…. often times through the ‘hand-me-down’ clothing that others have given to us. Usually, I am alone by the dryer; no one wants to interrupt for fear of being asked to help 😉 The quietness brings on the reflective thoughts, and as I touch the old favorite t-shirt, or fold that sweatshirt that we got on that trip to ‘such and such,’ I see how God has filled up my life with good things and His love for me is overwhelmingly clear.
Tonight I was folding clothes.. thinking of how strange it was after Andrew died, … the adjustment, the painful visual reminder it was for me to have only 3 piles of clothes. The loss I felt when I could no longer pull his clothes out of the dryer. It was beside the dryer that I told God that He could take my husband home. He didn’t need my consent – I realize that. But I surrendered Andrew in my laundry room… through tears and clenched teeth.. I said ‘you can take him now God.’ It was a selfish thing too… it was because I couldn’t bear to see Andy suffering anymore.
As I folded clothes tonight, I thought about the many piles that will soon be. I think of the privilege it will be to pray for each person as I match up socks. I want to love you better than any earthly person ever has Walt. I want to take all that I have learned in this life and apply all the good stuff to you!! I want to be your best friend, best lover, best partner, best teammate, best sounding board, best prayer partner, grounding place, solace, calm in the storm, your BIGGEST FAN! That’s what I want 😉 That’s the vision I have for us.. that’s what I’m moving towards… because YOU are sooooo worth it!! I love you!